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ìèòðîïîëèòà Àíòîíèÿ Ñóðîæñêîãî
Nun Margarita Hoogewoud
HOW TO LOOK AT THINGS HONESTLY
This is the first time I will be sharing publicly about
my personal contacts with Metropolitan Anthony. I got to
know Metropolitan Anthony during my student days – how it
happened I can’t remember, but what I do remember is, that
he was a person to take account of, so one listened to what
he had to say.
In Amsterdam a custom had developed, originated by Jewish
students, to demonstrate at the Portuguese Synagogue, which
was in the heart of the pre-war Jewish quarter, at Chanoeka,
which falls in December, for the release of dissidents/refuseniks
that were held in prisons (GULAG) in the Soviet Union. The
comments made in the international press and Metropolitan
Anthony’s remarks, he being the Exarch of the Moscow
Patriarchate, were all taken into account by us. When it
became very clear that world/public opinion had a great
influence on the Soviet authorities, the demonstration
movement grew in great numbers. Especially in relation to
Dutch history, it seemed unthinkable and totally wrong to
imprison people for their thoughts or beliefs.
While in the Cathedral I never looked for Vladika so to
speak, or made any attempt to meet him as such. Of course we
knew one another, and I would ask his blessing upon meeting
him (e.g. in the corridors). The move, so to speak,
came from him. One day when I was, in what I thought to be
in a more or less empty Cathedral, venerating the central
icon, he seemed to ‘doom up’ out of nowhere!, took me by the
hand, led me to the back of the church where we sat down
together and talked. For those who know Vladika, nothing
unusual that was of him!
That is what I thought initially, nothing unusual, but it
was most extra-ordinary, however, as the way he approached
me, the way he addressed me, and held my hand, and how he
led me to the back of the Cathedral to sit down together,
and the way our conversation developed, was just as if I was
talking to my own father, who I had loved very much and with
whom I had had a very good relationship, but who had died
many years before! What I thought I never ever would
find again, this deep rapport and understanding of one
another, just happened there and then!
There are a couple of examples I would like to share with
you that have had a great ‘impact’ if you like on my life.
The one is about Vladika sharing how he in his life at some
point had had difficulty praying a particular line in the
“Our Father”. His approach, being thoroughly honest with
himself and that consistently, has helped me to pray ‘Thy
Will be done’. I became aware that I found it difficult to
pray these words. It raised all sorts of questions,
Thy Will. How can I know what God’s Will is? How do I
distinguish between my Will and His Will? and I
thought but how can I say the words ‘Thy will be done’
without having a real inkling what they are about? In the
end, I found a ‘formula’ that I could pray, I just added a
few sentences, “Thy Will be done” – God how often do I say
these words without really knowing their meaning, forgive me
for saying them like that; I ask You, guide me and show me
Your Will. Let me recognize and when I recognize, I pray
give me strength and courage to follow”. And slowly slowly,
things started to shift, it seemed if gradually something
became unplugged, like a stream that had been blocked off
and started flowing again, ever so gently, but surely.
There was someone I disliked greatly. Of course this put
me at loggerheads with the Commandment to love, and with
God’s Will. How to overcome? Here I recognized what
God’s Will was, but how to follow? So I looked at it from
every side, and finally came to the conclusion, that even if
I could not LIKE the person, I could wish the person well,
and that good things would happen to him. And so it
continued. In the end the person became very dear to me, as
through him I had learnt, slowly, simply to love. It brought
me over and over again to the foot of the Cross and at other
times it put me ON the Cross. In other words it made me
aware of the radical message of the Gospel, and God’s
infinite love!
The other example is about the advice Vladika gave to a
young woman with regard to overcoming vanity. She
apparently was very pretty, and liked to look in the mirror
at her features. When she came to Vladika she must have
looked very worried and disgusted with herself. Vladika
suggested that every time she looked in the mirror, and she
saw, for example, that her eyes were beautiful, she would
say the following: Oh, look - my eyes are beautiful, thank
You, God, for creating me with such beautiful eyes, for I
have done nothing to deserve these; and do forgive me for
putting such a horrible expression on such a beautiful face!
And Vladika continued saying that we don’t know anything
about Pride, but all about Vanity, and nothing about
Humility, only as something to aim at, BUT he said between
Pride and Humility there was a halfway house: Thankfulness!
Now this advice I found I could put into practice in totally
different circumstances. I had been very ill with viral
meningitis, and often suffered from severe back pain and
headaches, due to an old injury. In those days it was very
difficult to concentrate on anything. It was said that
one always should try and read the Gospel; to have a book of
the Gospel in one’s room would already ‘keep the devil at
bay’, in the sense that the Gospel is an icon of Christ
written in Words. So I tried to read, but found I could not
concentrate, halfway through a sentence I had to start all
over again, because I had lost track of the meaning of what
I was reading. And I did not know what to do. And
somehow I became aware, what pride I had to think that I HAD
to understand what I was reading, as the Gospel contains
mysteries… So rather than concentrating on what the sense
was of the words, I started to give thanks to God that I was
able to read at all, that I was able to see, that I was able
to recognize the characters etc. and so I struggled, and
struggled. Lots later in time and much to my own surprise I
found that what I had been reading had sunk in, somehow or
another I could remember passages that at the time were
totally oblique. And this gradually affected other things.
Close to the railway station in Central London from where
I would catch the train home stood a church. Sometimes,
having just missed my train and having to wait half an hour,
I would go inside this church “to pass time”, trying to turn
it into prayer. At times it appeared very difficult to
concentrate, because of the sheer noise that was going on
outside, traffic, sirens of ambulance, of fire engines, of
police cars, of demonstrators, what have you. In the
beginning I thought that they were really hindering MY
prayer, and MY trying to be quiet. But as I had been
applying thanksgiving to reading and understanding, I
started to apply this to trying to be quiet. So at
first I started to give thanks that I had my hearing, as I
was convinced that if I WAS deaf, how much would I love to
hear all the traffic noise, sirens etc. Then after a while I
became aware that the sirens were not an intrusion in my
prayer, but a signal to pray with even more fervour Lord,
Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy upon, and then rather
than saying ME, A Sinner, to say “upon all those who are
effected by this accident, as it is so obvious from the
sirens something major is going on”.
At work this prayer of thanksgiving affected deeply my
relations with my colleagues: some were very nice and easy
to get along with and others were not. How to change?
So I started to go at lunchtime to a nearby Church, and
prayed there maybe for about ten minutes, just as time
allowed. And again, and again to give thanks for my
colleagues, and especially the ones I found to be ‘more
difficult’ to like, and then would pray briefly the
Jesus Prayer, ending with ‘have mercy upon so and so,’ and
repeat this three times, in honour of the Holy Trinity.
Gradually and unobtrusively the Jesus Prayer and the
Thanksgiving started to permeate my whole life and through
it all my relationships with the people around me were
deeply affected too.
Totally unaware to me there were those who would glamour
to sit at my desk on my days off, or even for the time I
would be out for lunch! I had a photograph of Vladika
sitting at a ‘hidden’ spot on my desk; you only could see it
by sitting on my chair. My colleagues loved to look at
it! Now I had no idea about this whatsoever, I in fact was
quite irritated if I caught someone sitting in my chair, and
just getting off, because they saw me coming in!! And here
they were looking at something they thought was beautiful
and peaceful! They thought my desk was the most peaceful
spot, and everyone wanted to sit there from time to time!
They ‘confessed’ all this when I had left the Company and
had to go back once to collect some documentation. So
I was so surprised, and not having anything on me, but an
icon card of St Seraphim praying on the stone, I offered
this, because of the light and peace that ‘streamed’ from
it. About a year later, I found this card was still in
place, and my ex-colleagues said they would go and sit and
look at him, if things were difficult or if they were in
turmoil inside, and that it calmed them down/gave them new
inspiration.
On the monastic life. May I begin by saying that it has
been said, I don’t know about here in Russia, but definitely
in Britain, and I was told so by many different people, that
Vladika was not in favour of monastic life, in fact he was
anti! He knew what was being said, but he told me it
was not true. He said that he always felt very sore there
was no monastery in the Diocese. In the other hand he also
recognized very much the calling to the solitary life, and
it is clear that he never excluded that, and those who had a
true calling to this way of life found ‘protection’ under
his omophorion. He himself had lived as a solitary monk, at
the back of the Cathedral. He became a monk, as we all know
in France, and at that time there were no Orthodox
monasteries as such, and also with his father having died,
he had responsibilities towards his mother and his
grandmother. In a monastery one has to be obedient to one’s
superior, he was told he had to be obedient to his mother
and grandmother.
We talked about Life, Christian life, and if there was a
difference between a monastic and a lay person and if so,
what it consisted of. And I think that our conversation on
this subject could be summed up in this quotation from an
Introduction of The Fathers of the Desert: “It is most true
that Christian life may be divided in two states, the
secular and the monastic. Both, however, though by a
different route, tend to the same end, and as far as the
practice of virtue, contempt of the world, poverty of
spirit, and love of the cross, the condition of each is
identical, with this only difference, that MONASTICS BEING
BOUND BY TIES OF SOLEMN VOWS AND RULES, are obliged more
strictly to perfection than those who live in the world.” In
other respects, one and the same way of life is required of
both, one and the same Gospel has been preached to both
since God commands nothing but Charity, forbids nothing but
self-love, there is no difference as far as that is
concerned, no exception of persons.
Now when we listen to and study Metropolitan Anthony’s
teachings, we will find that they are permeated with this
profound understanding, that we, that is each one of us,
from Patriarch, priest, monastic to one of the faithful, are
called to LIVE the Gospel, there where we are, where God has
called us, in the circumstances of our day-to-day life. So I
hope you won’t be too surprised, if there is not a whole
‘body of texts on monastic life’ of Metropolitan Anthony.
This does not mean that he did not say anything. That he
held the monastic life in high esteem, I reiterate this
against those who think he was anti, and that it was a
totally turning away from the world, was expressed on
different occasions, when he would say, that when someone
decides to leave the world, he must turn and close the door
firmly behind him and forget about it, that is, the world
and everyone in it so to speak. Those who have done this
will understand the importance of these words. And how
important it is “to forget” (the world), and to concentrate
on the one thing necessary, in poverty of spirit, was again
stipulated by Vladika, when we were talking about the things
that were difficult, and how to go about it.
Talking about the Cherubic Hymn, for example, how in it
we say: let us now lay aside all the cares/things of this
life/world. He saying, yes, E V E R Y T H I N G, also
the legitimate things. Or saying: That we often needed
patience, and just put things down before Christ, or at
times to be watchful (which meant practice patience), to see
things grow: we cannot pull at things, like flowers you
cannot pull them out of the earth! Yes, you can put manure
on them, tend them etc., and of course that is what we must
do to make them grow, but you cannot pull them out. They
need to grow by themselves!
A lot of his advice was geared to this practicing of
patience. In this context he also mentioned what had
happened to him. He always thought he wanted to be a priest
and it never seemed to happen. So he then renounced it all (after
17 years, mind you) and was made a priest within the year.
But he also said, that he was made a priest for the wrong
reason: because he had a job, and could travel and pay for
his journeys, as he could visit the outlaying parishes. And
then when he was made a Bishop, he discovered it was decided
this way, because “they” had learnt he was a good
administrator. In order to make clear that the monastic life
could also be tough (some people in the West might say ‘unjust’)
he added that he had asked, if they had ever considered what
impact that (being a Bishop) would have on his spiritual
life; well, they hadn’t. So you see, he added, I was made a
priest and Bishop totally for the wrong reasons.
On how forgetfulness could be extreme poverty of spirit.
One day we sat talking and Vladika was saying how he became
so forgetful, and how he could not remember the names of the
Fathers on certain sayings etc. And how we came to the
conclusion that this was such poverty, but that still we
could give thanks to God for what we could remember and ask
Him to help us remember the things we should, because as
such we did not own our own mind, our memory, they belonged
to God, as everything else.
On poverty and being a monk in the world: He was told he
had to be obedient to his mother and grandmother. Well, the
government (in France) had decided on “Vitalis” i.e. the
minimum means of existence, and his mother had said, “Well
now that they have said what we can live on that is what we
do. Everything we have more, we give away.” “So we
lived at absolutely rockbottom!” said Metropolitan Anthony.
On our one aim in life: to be in God’s presence. Talking
about this subject, Vladika recounted the story of the old
man, who would come to church and just sit there and
seemingly not doing anything. One day the priest asked
him about this, and the man replied: well, it is like this,
Father, I sit and I look at God and He looks at me. (This
story comes out of the life of the holy Cure d’Ars, him
being the priest in this story).
On how to pray for others, and those who request our
prayer, and how to keep the balance. Vladika explained that
so many people asked him for his prayer and how difficult it
was in the end to pray for each one constantly. But how he
found that people were brought to mind and how he then said
the Jesus Prayer for them there and then. Another time he
told me, he would pray the Jesus Prayer and say at the end
have mercy on So and So. Also sometimes he was too tired to
pray and did not have any more time. And his spiritual
father had told him, then to make the sign of the cross (i.e.
cross oneself) and to commend oneself into God’s hands and
entrusting/relying to be carried on the prayers of others.
At first, he thought, well, who would pray for me, but then
when he “applied his mind” he found that faces came to him
and so he discovered that that is at times how we are
carried in prayer to God. And I assure you this is not a
lazy option; and that it can take some struggle to put it
into practice, I learnt through experience.
On Fear. He said: never show your ‘opponent’ that you are
afraid. On the contrary act with courage, and pursue him/hunt
him down to the end till he has been defeated. In relation
to this he told the following story: A man had come to the
Cathedral and asked Vladika to give him £50. Vladika did not
want to give it. When the man asked why not, Vladika said:
Because you are a thief and a robber. Upon these words
Vladika tried to close the door. The man quickly put his
foot in the door. Vladika looked, hesitated for a moment and
then stood on the man’s foot with all the force he could
muster. The man shot away across the street and started to
threaten Vladika with words like: Don’t worry, I’ll come
back and I will wring your neck! And other words to this
effect. Vladika decided to close AND to lock the door
behind him and went over to the man and said with a menacing
voice: Well, if you’re going to wring my neck, why don’t you
do it now? But I warn you, I have been trained in the
Army and I first will break all your teeth! The man fled
never to be seen again. So you see, never show your fear,
but pursue the enemy till he has fled/has been defeated.
On Fear in relation to Death and Resurrection. Vladika
shared the story about the boy in a game of Cob and Robbers.
A young boy did not want to play Cob and Robbers, because he
was afraid of being dead. When you are touched by the Cob,
you would have to fall ‘dead’. So Vladika Anthony, made an
arrangement with him, that he, Vladika, would fall ‘dead’
i.e. ‘die instead of the boy’. After a while this boy
found he could play the game; he was not frightened anymore.
Vladika: You see so me dying for him, gave him courage in
the end to die himself, so the fear had gone.
On being open-minded. When we set out on a road, he said,
we don’t always know how things will go and how they will
turn out. Vladika talked about his coming to Britain for two
years and stayed! So you’ll never know. He repeated,
we don’t always know: sometimes we might be sent somewhere
so we might learn, sometimes we might be sent for others
that they will learn or simply for us to later share our
experience. It could be each each one of these, or any
combination of these or all three of them. So be openminded!
On how to keep peace within. Vitally important, said he,
outward circumstances, in many ways, do not matter, but the
HEART does. (So exclude everything, close the door, to
only know Christ, and guard your heart).
